took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
