dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
