when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
