So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize