Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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