dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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