My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
