So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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