I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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