When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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