I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
