What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Randomize
