Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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