Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
