your thong is hanging out like whoa
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
