So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
