wrigley field is MILF paradise
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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