This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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