carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can you repeat that, but with context?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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