While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
