im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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