maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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