They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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