Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize