He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
