Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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