if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
