Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I need to stop coming to work sober
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
