I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
