I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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