My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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