im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
