I have demons in me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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