i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
