My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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