Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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