You don't have asthma, your pregnant
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
