mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
