i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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