I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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