how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
