I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she smelled like a LAN party
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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