do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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