I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize