my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
