i think my mom watched the whole time
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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