and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
