Dual....:-)
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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