put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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