bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
