Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
