Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
two words...techno handjob
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
