Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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