OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm bleeding and have questions
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
