forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
