I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize