I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
