so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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