Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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