It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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